This Is Nothing Compared To Myspace.Com

To clarify, (and to be fair, the wikipedia article I read did not really pin point this) according to the drunken dirty hobo last night, the longest day of the year is 20th June, with midsummer being on the 21st. Suvi decided to continue the finnish tradition of getting drunk and having a barbeque and we all endulged. It was a terribly pleasant evening and all was going well, until a man with not front teeth and two bulging carrier bags came up to us and struck up a conversation about not having spoken english for a while. Some of us tried to avoid his gaze, not because he was a monster, just because it was a friendly barbeque and we did not want strangers. Unfortunately the inevitable came..."is it alright if I join you for about 20 minutes?", again, the avoidance of his stare and trying to carry on with our own business (at that point eating the potato salad), and irrelevant of what any of us could have done, there was only going to be one answer. So he sat down. His teeth and the fact he wasn't particularly smartly dressed and did appear to have all of his pessessions in the two carrier bags worried me , however some of the others at this point noticed he did also have piss stains on his trousers, although this may have come later when apparently he did actually piss himself during the conversation. Anyway, although terribly smelly, he was harmless enough, I reasoned with myself that we would be fine as long as he didnt sit on the blanket, not 'cus of the piss stained trousers (I hadn't noticed then) just because it formed a sort of barrier. Friends on the blanket, Hobos on the grass.

Now, after some time (and the boys were waiting for this) he pulled out half a bottle of wine, which was later revealed to have been found outside a supermarket yesterday. After his alloted 20 minutes we were all wishing he would move on, even though at this point he was still harmless...smelly but still harmless. Soon the conversation turned to politics and talking to the only scottish and irish girls at the barbeque he decided they should hate the British government as much as he apparently did. His argument at this point was about tax...why should people in Britain pay 5-6 pounds for a bottle of wine, when he could buy some for 50cent in Italy or France (Vince later pointing out that he doesnt actually buy his own wine), disregarding the fact that Italy and France do produce a lot more wine than Britain, thus would be cheaper without tax, but still. He was anti-government, well the British one, and I argued that there was tax for a reason and governments were just looking after their people, the best way they can (which sometimes goes a stray, but generally it is fine) and challenged him to find a better government. It got heated at this point, but we dropped it and let it go. His other arguments were apparently anti-army and saying that the British army is killing women and children, and we tried to reason that actually they weren't doing that and are actually trying to do stop killings by other, not so stable regimes and essentially fight for us.

Anyway the conversation developped onto weed, he was (unsurprisngly) pro weed, and argued that people shouldnt be put in jail for smoking weed. They aren't, and we told him that. It then escalated onto dealing which we were against, and his only come back to that was "well there needs to be dealers if people want to smoke it". None of us were particularly fussed by smoking it, and he found that unbelievable, that out of 10 students there was not one regular weed smoker. And then, the worst bit. It was essentially one of the girls arguments, which he refused to listen to, so I just paraphrased it, using a logical progression that the reason dealing weed is bad is because it is a drug ad if you deal in one drug, you will likely branch out into other drugs, worse drugs, and there is heavy correlation between hardcore drugs dealers and other crimes, people traffiking and child sex rings etc. I mean that was, I thought, essentially the point, basically, dealing drugs is bad. This man (I should mention at this point, we don't know his name) was incredibly hurt by my comments. He worked out in his head (and we werent sure if he was drunk, or just possibly permenantly in a state of drunken stupor) that I was accusing a drug dealer of being a sex offender. He was clearly for the dealing of drugs, probably does deal them and must have felt I had personally accused him of sex offences. Anyway with this he raised his voice and stood up shouting at me. Everyone else backed me, and so I did what was right. I asked him to leave. It was essentially democracy. He wasn't happy (not because I asked him to leave, he was disappointed that I was "so narrow minded" and that he had never heard such crap in his life, apparently), picked up his belonging shouted more things at me me and marched off in his dirty white trainers (complete with holes at the toes). Everyone rejoiced at his departure, and at me for sparking it. He was evidently a tramp, but had chosen that lifestyle and just travelled around in the same clothes, picking up bottles of wine and apparently finding his food. He could easily go home, find his family, get a job and a nice sui. But he hasn't. He enjoys airing his rather narrow minded views and generally getting stoned if he can find some. It is sad really. But, at the end of the day, when you interrupt a barbeque that I am at, there is no power on earth that will stop the Bish from asking you to move on...after the alloted time. And with the power of democracy behind me. And especially if you break the "blanket barrier". And he really did smell of piss.

Nights Out. Love 'em, or Hate 'em. Probably love to be fair. But still, there are good ones and there are bad ones. Irrespective of scoring the opposite sex, there are many factors that can play on the enjoyment of a night out. I guess it is all subjective, but still, here is a compilation of ingredients that I feel can make, or indeed, break a night out:

 

Friends - a big one, but the first one the list. I mean you can venture out to have a night out on your own, but be very careful, you don't want to be the sad old man in the corner, do you?

Alcohol - ranging from a whole crate of beer, to litre beer, or vodka jelly to the melon based one. You need alcohol, generally the more the better, but again, beware, know your limits!

Music - everyone has different tastes in music, but one thing won't change, you need it. General rule, everyone loves classic cheese, but don't go too renegade with heavy metal or techno trance music...not just yet anyway.

Games - Not monopoly or scrabble, unless you want to be your parents. Drinking games: ring of fire, beer pong, international drinking rules, just anything that makes the potentially awkward social situation breeze by.

Camera - a double edged sword, yes, there is he potential for breakage or loss. But everyone loves remembering a good night out, so photos are the modern day equivilant of memories. However don't be, as I sometimes am, the camera whore. Enjoy the night, document but don't go trigger happy.

Food - an optional extra, whether it is snacks at a party (ooh, he does love snacks), a mid-evening tactical burger, or the walk-home kebab - it is always nice to have sustainance to keep the night alive.

Memories - sort of related to alcohol and the camera sections, but it is always the sign of a good night when you need to piece odd events back together and have a gentle reminder of the fun you had.

Props - always take something to a party. Where it is a small water pistol or a beach ball (or if you are dressed as one of the beach boys, both). Always fun, always brighten up the party...until the beach ball goes reneage and breaks a bottle of wine - although I stand by it, it was a good shot

Atmosphere - outside of your group of friends you need other people, the atmosphere. People to hit on, people to hit or just other people to look at. There is, potentially, nothing worse that turning up to a nightclub and being the only ones there. I mean yes you can run around and own the nightclub, but will you actually have fun, maybe not.

Theft - yes, it is illegal, but after a number of beers, it becomes a challenge. Whether it is traffic accessories, someone else's hat (which I condemn, nothing worse than losing a hat), the odd cheeky drink (if you can get away with it) or anyother items. There is nothing better than waking up the next day with a spoon in your pocket, and wondering how it got there.

 

The list is of course never complete. So feel free to leave your own ideas on how to create one of those epic nights

They say the late night entries are always better, having had the whole day to reflect on a certain topic. The title does not, surprisingly, refer to myself, no no, but the biggest common pest to mankind. Well ok, maybe not, but summer is here, and so are the dreaded Dandelions. They really are a menace to society, and in fact one of the top ten most common killers in Britain alone. Typical deaths involve trying to kick the plant and falling backwards on to small railings or animal traps, being attacked from behind by a gang of Dandelions and even inhaling their toxic seeds. The basic theory of allowing the wind to scatter your seeds is admittedly a good system, it means you need not to make any difficult choices about lady Dandelions or worry about custory of the Dandelion kids. However, this also means that they spread and fast...faster than the infamous laptop thief of Durka Durka street '07. So the trouble is they are everywhere, connected to each other through a complex telepathic field.  Imagine if some evil genius could some how gain control of this particular weed's telepathic powers, and use it for evil gains. It would be a revolution, the end of the common Earth as we know it. Dandelion kingdom. The only plausible way to stop the spreading of this malicious menace is to simply rip off the heads and destroy every single little seed, individually, so they can perish at the bottom of the Earth, never to return to life again. It is a big ask...especially for the man who should be charged with this task, but ever so necessary all the same. How can you just sit by and let this happen! I leave you with dandelion facts:

 

They kill other plants with the express purpose of taking over the world.

In the middle of the night, Dandelions ride bikes and shout at local eldery women crossing the road.

Originally were used as food by humans, but when the BBQ was invented, man turned to meat.

Apparently established 30 millions years ago...which is clearly impossible.

30 Bryn-y-mor crescent is over run with dandelions and all the inhabitants are said to be lost in their wilderness, the first reported case on this scale

Dandelions were once a substitute for tea, however a number of volunteers had side-effects (including unusual growths on hans) and so trials were abandoned.

The Dandelion takes its image from God, who allegdly sports a stylish grey afro

The originally meaning of Dandelion has been lost, although scolars maintain that it actually means Singing Dustman

Dandelions once broke the world record for the longest human chain, until 20 clones of Brian Blessed stole the crown in 1889.

Dandelions travel faster than the speed of light, but slower than the speed of sound

Dandelions are mentioned more than once in exactly 17 of the World's Nation Anthems